By: Hannah Chau

“Eat. Sleep. Run. Repeat.”

I proudly wrote this in my Instagram bio 6 years ago and I still have it there to this day. From an outside perspective, this was the basic rhythm of my life. However, it was not a realistic overview of what was really going on. If I had changed my bio to reflect my reality, it would be “Run. Binge. Purge. Repeat.” Something I would have never admitted.

Disordered eating behaviors are easily hidden behind the social acceptance of thin body types and diets in society. They receive an added layer of protection, especially in the world of athletics. In addition to the cultural pressure to fit a certain body type and the negative disinformation in the media, athletes face an added pressure of sports body stereotypes. The media’s false attribution of good performance to lean and slim physique pressures athletes to strive for a skinnier body instead of improving fitness performance. These pressures serve as justification for athletes to participate in dangerous eating behaviors. 

I fell victim to this problem. Early on as a developing athlete, I spent many days stressing over each calorie I burned, making sure it was far greater than the number of calories I consumed. Hours of my day were wasted scrolling through images of elite runners and fellow competitors, wondering why I did not look like them. Every time I passed a mirror I would squeeze and pinch the areas I wish would just disappear. I thought if I could just lose this weight, I would be happy. I tried everything – not eating, binging, purging, excessive exercise and extreme diets – to achieve the unrealistic goal of “skinny.” This was my secret, this was my focus, and quickly became my personal battle to fight. I was too ashamed to ask for help and too stubborn to realize I needed help.

I believed I was stronger when I resisted eating a meal, ran the unnecessary extra mile, or skipped a rest day. This ideology and my perfectionist attitude proved to be a dangerous combination. What I was doing to my body was not sustainable. Eventually I broke physically, mentally, and emotionally. My grades dropped, my running performance plateaued, I became depressed, and I lost sight of who I was. If not for my supportive high school teachers, coaches, family, and friends, I would not have sought help and be sharing my story today. I began recovery in my junior year of high school and continue to recover to this day.

It is a battle I may never stop fighting, but I am fortunate enough to have been taught how to prevail. By no means do I no longer struggle. While I still have “Eat. Sleep. Run. Repeat.” in my bio, I could also include “Relapse and Recover” in the mix. However, each time I relapse and recover, I gain a new perspective and I learn new lessons. I hope that by sharing my story, I can help reduce the stigma around eating disorders. I am happy to share the most valuable lessons from my journey with anyone who may be struggling with disordered eating.

1. I am loved. When I opened up about my challenges, I realized how many people love and care about me. My family, friends, teammates, coaches, and everyone else do not love me for the way I look, but for the qualities I embody. They only want me to be happy and healthy. When I accepted the support and love from others, I began to love myself. I started to value the characteristics I exemplified rather than a number on the scale or the shape of my body. I am more than my body. I am me.

2. It is okay to ask for help. There is help. During the lowest points of recovery, isolation became an unhealthy coping mechanism for me. I did not want to burden others with my anxiety, depression, and fears so I retreated into myself. I thought asking for help was selfish. After talking to nutritionists, therapists, and other athletes, I realized many others suffered with eating disorders and disordered eating. I learned about the National Eating Disorder Association (NEDA) and countless other programs that offered support for those with eating disorders. I also found a network of athletes who shared their stories and I became inspired to do the same. I realized asking for help is a sign of strength and it can be a source of inspiration for others.

3. Everything is going to be okay. Asking for help and recovering is not easy. It is an overwhelming process. I found myself repeating this phrase when I was in the hardest parts of my life and I still say it to myself today. I am a strong believer in the idea that things happen for a reason. Every hardship we go through is meant to make us stronger. I have seen this in my own journey. While it has been emotionally draining and physically taxing, it has also been extremely rewarding. I have become stronger, smarter, kinder, and more passionate about life.

4. Balance. As an athlete, it can be difficult to separate ourselves from our sport. Every day, we approach practice and competition with the goal of being the best and executing every race or play perfectly. This mindset follows us as we go throughout our day. During recovery, I recognized this pursuit for perfection was a major cause of my eating disorder. Once I let go of the idea that I must do everything perfectly, I began to truly recover. I no longer strive for absolute perfection. Instead, I focus on giving 100% of what I can at the moment, even if it is not perfect. I am still working hard, but it is no longer at the expense of my health and well-being. It took me a long time to find the balance between working hard and working smart, and I still struggle with this. However, when I let go and relax, I find myself happier and healthier.

Even though I have learned these lessons, I still have bad days. However, I now have the skills and resources to prevent these tough times from overpowering me. It is hard to ask for help, or even to acknowledge you are struggling, but it is worth it. In my recovery, I have only gained, never lost. I hope that my story helps others who are struggling to seek help. You are not alone.

Below are links to resources for support and information on eating disorders:

NEDA: https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org

NEDA helpline: (800) 931-2237

Education tool kit: https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/learn/help/educators

UC Irvine Counseling Center: https://counseling.uci.edu/

UC Irvine Nutrition Services: https://shc.uci.edu/services/specialties/nutrition